Wow! My kids turned 25 this week

On Monday, October 21st my amazing twins, Hannah & Max, turned 25. They spent the weekend together in New York City and I have found myself thinking about this milestone birthday and how much I’ve learned from them as they grow up. If you’ve been reading this blog for a while you may remember this post from six months ago when I reflected on a great weekend the three of us spent together and some lessons for those of us who are single parenting.

In that post, I focused on some of the less discussed upsides of being a single parent, especially to kids who are out of the home. In honor of their birthday, and all the single parents out there, I’m resharing an excerpt from that post here.

Throughout the weekend, I found myself saying over and over, “it was worth it.” And I mean that in the broadest way possible. Everything you’re doing: the messy mornings, the exhausting evenings, the homework sessions, sports practices, playdates, lunch packing, stress soothing, biting your tongue, having the hard conversations, arguments over clothes, electronics, video games, grades, friends, school plays and all the rest of it, is worth it. That’s clear as day now that I can take a shower anytime I want, and no one is calling for a snack just as I get into a groove with work. But if you’re still in it, and it feels endless – or, if you are afraid of what it will be like not to be needed 24/7 – know that kids’ needs change, but they don’t go away. One the many reasons the relationship with my kids is so enjoyable now is because it’s more of two-way street. I’m blessed that they call just to chat, are interested, and engaged with their family, and are ethical and hardworking. On my good days, I believe the work from those early years helped to shape them into the amazing people they are now, but other times I’m completely convinced they made it despite me. I try hard not to stay in that place because I know it doesn’t serve me, and I can’t change it. But I think it’s important to be honest that it’s something I struggle with. I read an article recently, “A Letter to my Children as I Learn to Love Myself: I’m Sorry.” In it, Michelle Schafer starts by saying, “To my children, I’m sorry for the unhealed parts of me that may have hurt you. It was never a lack of love for you – only a lack of love for myself.” Those two sentences took my breath away. She said so beautifully a thought I have struggled to articulate for years. I’ll borrow those words to share with them that as parents with a full heart and dreams of their ideal childhood, I still (unintentionally!) brought my own triggers, scars, and hopes to the relationship. I was not blessed at the time with insight about what I brought to parenting and how it impacted my choices.

 

I’m so grateful that they’re old enough now to know I don’t want to make excuses, but instead to provide perspective I hope will be valuable for all of us, and that they may use one day as parents themselves.

Perhaps the greatest lesson they teach me now is to offer support and love without always being able to fix the situation. Most likely, they have everything they need to navigate their challenge anyway, we just offer the safe place to figure things out!

Most importantly, I want them to know that they are completely, utterly adored – exactly as they are. And I am so very blessed to be their mama.

In honor of my kids’ birthday, here’s a little positive inspiration from projecthappiness.org:

What if it does work out exactly how you imagined it or greater? Entertain that thought.