It’s Not About You (or Me…) 😩

Can you think of a recent situation where you were shocked by someone’s intense response to something? You might have thought, “Wow, I wonder what’s going on for them?” or, simply, “They are having a bad day!” If you were watching this scene unfold and it didn’t involve you, it probably seemed obvious that whatever was happening was triggered by something in that person’s world that you don’t know anything about. This is even easier to imagine when we see a child melting down. Sure, their parent may have said no, or asked them to help with something, but it’s easy to recognize that a child may be hungry, tired, overstimulated or acting out for any number of reasons that don’t have anything to do with what their caregiver asked of them.

And of course, think of yourself when you’ve said or done something you wish you hadn’t. Maybe you weren’t feeling well, or you were frustrated, or distracted by a difficult situation? You probably wouldn’t want others to use that one situation as a basis on which to judge your ability to handle difficult things. 

And yet… how many times have I reacted to something assuming the issue is me? I must have done something, said something, or even looked a certain way, to trigger whatever response I’m seeing. 

And then what happens? A downward spiral about all the things I could and should have done differently so that person wouldn’t have reacted that way. 

It’s a vicious cycle rooted in fear and assumptions.

Although I logically know that someone’s reaction has a variety of origins, it’s still easy to slip into self-blame. Even with awareness and intention, this happens to me often. During divorce, when we are already emotionally exhausted, this may happen frequently. You may be asking: Could you do something to get your spouse to fall in love with you again? Did they ask for divorce because of something you did or said? Or could you have prevented an affair?

And let me be clear – it is almost always worth your while to thoughtfully evaluate your choices to see how you could do better next time, or to break a pattern. Taking responsibility for your actions – the ones you can control – is healthy and important.

But it’s equally important to recognize that some of the things that happened may not be about you at all. Your spouse may be struggling with their own feelings of self-worth, which contributed to poor choices. Those issues may have started long before the two of you were together or may have surfaced lately due to other life circumstances, including kids growing up and changing, career issues, aging, relationships with parents or others, or so 

much more. Very little in life is black or white, and yet it’s tempting to pretend that if we had just done one thing differently everything could go back to “normal.” 

You may remember that I’ve referred to The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, on many occasions. According to him, these Four Agreements are a “powerful code of conduct” that can “rapidly transform our lives to a new experience of freedom, true happiness, and love.” The second of his Four Agreements is this: Don’t Take Anything Personally. Here is one of my favorite quotes from the book:

“If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift they walk away from you. If that person doesn’t walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her. Walking away may hurt for a while but your heart will eventually heal. Then you can choose what you really want. You will find that you don’t need to trust others as much as you need to trust yourself to make the right choices.”

This is also the basis of Mel Robbin’s best-selling new book, Let Them, which I’ve also referenced in previous posts. This two-word mantra, which is currently taking the world by storm and can be found on t-shirts, tattoos, license plates and all over social media, is about recognizing that we can never control what other people do. Letting them make their own choices, even when we don’t like them, frees us up to focus on our own health and well-being. 

As Robbins says, “Adults choose who and how they love, and sometimes they won’t choose you. People’s behavior tells the truth about how they feel about you. Too often, you chase love – or the potential for what you think it could be – and end up compromising on your values. By chasing love, you chase away the deep and meaningful relationship you’re worthy of.” 

Recognizing that we have no control over others, and infinite control over our own future, will absolutely change your life. That is not an overstatement.  

I’ve been where many of you are. Struggling to make sense of a new, terrifying and overwhelming new reality that I didn’t think I wanted. 

And I’m SO MUCH BETTER now than I ever thought possible, and I know you can be, too. 

I hope you’ll think, “let them,” or “I won’t take that personally,” the next time you find yourself adjusting your values, or compromising who you are to fit someone else’s narrative. You deserve that as you move toward the amazing, fulfilling future that is out there for you.