About Perspective

by | Feb 8, 2024

What if WINNING in Divorce isn’t What You Think?

During January I focused on the word perspective. I chose that word because I see how valuable a new perspective can be in navigating a transition as significant and overwhelming as divorce.

Sometimes it’s hard to admit this to ourselves, but if we’re willing, there is always a different way to see something. If you allow yourself to relinquish right or wrong in favor of different, you set the stage for compromise. And when you are ready to compromise, you will make progress.

Can you accept that compromise is winning in divorce? There is no traditional win or lose in this situation. It’s not a game where people finish and go home, and the game goes into the history books. If we apply that standard in divorce, you will likely be quickly disappointed and feel like you got the short end of whatever stick you are fighting over.

On the other hand, if you can CHANGE YOUR PERSPECTIVE and see COMPROMISE as winning – you give yourself so many more opportunities to succeed.

If you’re willing, ask yourself these questions:

  1. What is my current perspective on winning/losing in this divorce?\
  2. Am I part of the problem or the solution? Both? If I’m not part of the solution, how could I be? What’s stopping me? (Hint: is it fear? Fear of giving in, losing, being out of control, being perceived as weak?)
  3. On a scale of 1-10, what is my willingness to compromise? Why or why not? What would it take for me to move the scale two points toward compromise?
  4. How might I benefit if I was more willing to compromise?
  5. Is there anything I’d be willing to compromise on? Alternatively, what is most important to me / what is something I’d like my spouse to compromise on? Another way of looking at this: Is there some way we could both get a win here?

It’s understandable if you’re struggling to change how you think about this. In a situation as contentious as divorce any shift in thinking can be hard, especially if you’re making decisions based on your emotions, not on goals. If you find yourself stuck on a particular viewpoint, try walking away for a bit. When you come back, revisit the questions above and see if you can find even a small window of opportunity for a new look at the challenge.

And when you find a shift, give yourself credit! That’s the real win.