Let’s Talk About the “C” Word. Are You Struggling to Find and Keep Control in Your Divorce?

I’m currently reading The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins, which is inspiring me to pay closer attention to the many times each day that I relinquish my strength and power to others. Whether it’s worrying about what people might think, or worse, stopping myself from following through on something I want to do for fear of ruffling feathers, causing disappointment, or being embarrassed, The Let Them Theory offers an alternative way to approach our choices. 

Essentially, Robbins offers the phrase, “Let them,” to help you let go of “chasing approval, managing other people’s happiness, and letting others’ opinions hold you back.” But equally important is how you can also learn to protect your time, energy, and ultimately focus on what you can control because that’s where you can truly change your life for the better.  

I’ve been thinking a lot about how this theory can apply to divorce and here are some common situations where I see it being very valuable.

1. Challenge: Coparenting, specifically around what happens at the other parent’s home

• The kids stay up too late, they don’t eat the food you want them to, they watch too much TV and come back to you tired. Knowing that this might happen do you spend the time they are at the other parent’s house obsessing about these issues, maybe making assumptions about what they’re doing and getting yourself worked up? If so, you are not alone. This is an area I focus on with clients every single day. It is absolutely one of the most difficult aspects of divorce, especially if you and your ex have different perspectives about what’s appropriate and neither is of you is willing to give. 
  

• Solution: Stop fighting it. Be honest with yourself – will your stress and worry change what happens at the other parent’s home? Also ask yourself this important question: “What is my true intention?” Am I really worried about the kids getting an extra hour of TV, or do I just hate that I can’t control what happens at the other house? Find a new, productive way to channel that negative energy. Focus on creating the home environment you want and making it as loving, supportive and physically and emotionally healthy as you can. Do this for yourself, not just your kids. When you are focused on your own health and well-being you will show up as more content and with better energy. You and your kids will both notice the difference.

2. Challenge: The other parent is dating and introducing people to the kids sooner than you think is appropriate. 

• Like it or not this choice is individual and doesn’t require the other’s consent. What’s “right” varies significantly depending on the age of kids, the specific family dynamic and more. When I started dating my now partner, my high school-aged kids wanted to meet him early in the relationship (after a few months). On the other hand, my partner, whose kids were almost the same age, wanted to wait to introduce me to his kids until he knew we were committed. We decided what was right for each of us but at no point did we ask permission or consult our exes in the decision. We did both share with our exes that the kids had met our new partner. That’s what was right for us. The bottom line: you can’t control when or how your ex introduces your kids to significant others. 

• Solution: model the behavior you want your kids to choose someday. Plan thoughtfully and act intentionally, based on your values and family, not because you are keeping up with, or comparing yourself to your ex.

3. Challenge: Communication. 

• I often say that your ex can never make you pick up the phone or answer a text or an email. When you put yourself in control of how you respond, what you say and how you say it, you take back your power and create an opportunity to set the tone you want, rather than just responding and contributing to a frustrating and unproductive back-and-forth. 

• Solution: Recognize the important role communications play and set standards and boundaries for yourself to help you make good decisions. For example, don’t respond right away, always give yourself 2-5 hours to process information first. Use Bill Eddy’s Brief Informative Factual Firm (BIFF) method when responding: no editorial, address only to the facts. Keep the past out of discussions by not asking sensitive questions or making snarky remarks. By setting the tone in these ways you may positively influence the dynamic with your ex, but even if you don’t, you take the high road and stay true to your own values.

It’s understandable that divorce triggers a desire for many of us to seek control since life often becomes very unpredictable. Unfortunately, trying to control every detail will only lead to more stress and anxiety. Whether you’re spiraling about finances, custody of children, or even the narrative of why the marriage ended, the desire to manage every aspect will only exhaust you since it’s impossible! 

Instead of fixating on what you can’t change, focus on what you can control: your own actions, reactions, and emotional well-being. For more tips on how to do that, check out this blog post on coping strategies, and feel free to reach out. Emotional support during divorce can make all the difference as you navigate this transition. 💪🏼💝