Are You Considering Nesting? Don’t Move Forward Without Considering These Issues
Nesting is a shared custody arrangement where the parents take turns staying in the house so the child(ren) don’t have to move. This arrangement can be beneficial for a family looking to minimize disruption for the kids, but there are also several challenges that you should be aware of.
How does it work?
Typically, the parents agree on a schedule and then they rotate time in the house and elsewhere while the children stay put. My kids would probably have loved this arrangement, as they were teenagers when my ex-husband and I divorced and they dreaded packing their things, moving and doing it all again a week later. And yet, as much as I believe in reducing the impact of divorce on the kids, I don’t believe nesting is a long-term solution for most families. Why?
Consider these common challenges:
- It can be financially prohibitive – Where will you each go when you’re out of the marital house? Will you have separate apartments, or another that you share? Going from one home to two is often challenging enough, but adding in a third usually isn’t an option. And if you end up sharing two spaces, how will that work? Does one person take the master bedroom and the other the guest room (assuming one exists)? What if one person keeps things clean and one doesn’t? At a time when you want to create separation and boundaries, your lives overlap, making it challenging to start fresh.
- New relationships – if you are sharing space how do you handle if someone wants to bring a new person to either home? Without clearly defined boundaries and expectations this can be very stressful and triggering (and sometimes even with these in place!)
- Ongoing fighting – Research consistently shows that parental conflict is the most damaging component of divorce for children. If you and your spouse continue to argue while you nest, any benefit you thought you were gaining through the arrangement may be outweighed by fighting. It’s understandable that it’s hard for you both to be in the same space post-divorce and accepting that may be the best thing you can do for yourself, your spouse, and your children.
- Snooping – Personal documents, divorce-related paperwork, journals, correspondence and more… without space of your own it can be difficult to know where to put sensitive items. Is it worth tempting fate by leaving everything accessible to both parties? On the other hand, where do you take it? Work? A friend or family member’s house? It can feel frustrating to be worried about that in your own home.
If you do agree to nest here are tips to help it succeed:
- Create a written agreement that covers as much as possible: how you will communicate about the kids, how you’ll leave the house and when (will there be overlap when the other parent comes home, and if so, for how long)? What about unexpected drop-in’s, respect for each other’s personal things, financial agreements and more. Writing it down will help you resolve unexpected challenges.
- Err on the side of broad boundaries. Don’t ask personal questions and do make an effort to respect your spouse’s space and possessions. Follow through on what you’ve agreed to.
- Keep the long game in mind. You chose this arrangement to minimize disruption, so ask yourself as often as necessary, is this worth fighting about?
- Use the 10-10-10 rule. Ask yourself if this issue will matter in 10 days, 10 weeks or 10 months?
Finally, one of the best things you can do is agree when nesting will end. This will help you both stay focused on the present, knowing it’s not forever. If you’re struggling, remind yourself you agreed on this for the benefit of the kids, so use them to help you stay focused on your bigger purpose and day-to-day healthy coparenting.