I Should Do What? 😵💫 How to Navigate Divorce Input from Friends and Family
If you’re anywhere in the divorce process, you’ve probably already noticed that everyone has an opinion about how you should handle just about everything. From whether to hire a lawyer to how to coparent, well-meaning friends and family probably want to help, but at the end of the day, these decisions are yours and you will be the one living with the consequences.
This situation comes up all the time with clients, so I’ve put together some simple steps you can use to navigate advice from friends and family while staying true to yourself.
- Understand the Well-Meaning Intentions
When friends and family offer advice, it almost always comes from a place of love and concern. They care about you and want to see you happy, healthy, and supported during this challenging time. They want to show you that they are on YOUR team! However, it’s also realistic to remember that their input probably includes their own divorce baggage. While they want to see you avoid pain or heartache, their advice may not work in your situation.
Remember: Everyone’s divorce is unique, and what worked for one person may not work for you. It’s wise to recognize their good intention and filter it based on your values and needs.
- Set Boundaries on Advice
It’s okay to acknowledge the love and care behind someone’s advice without feeling obligated to follow it. Setting boundaries with friends and family during a divorce is crucial to maintain your emotional well-being. Let them know that while you appreciate their support, you may not be ready to make decisions based on their suggestions. You are the one who knows what’s best for you, and your decisions should reflect your own goals and priorities.
For example, if a friend encourages you to “move on” quickly or suggests that you should fight harder or give in on something, kindly let them know that you’re taking time to think things through and consult with the right professionals, such as a mediator or divorce coach. You don’t need to justify your decisions to anyone, and it’s perfectly okay to prioritize your mental and emotional health.
- Consider the Source of Advice
Not all advice is created equal. The advice that comes from a well-intentioned friend or family member who has never been divorced, or went through a very different divorce, may be less relevant or helpful than guidance from someone who understands the nuances of the situation. A divorce coach, therapist, or lawyer can offer expert insights and practical strategies that are grounded in experience and knowledge.
As mentioned, I often see that a family member who has experienced a bitter, drawn-out divorce may unintentionally project their own fear and trauma onto your situation. Similarly, a friend who believes that every divorce should end amicably might not fully appreciate the complexities of your emotions or the challenges you’re facing. Take a moment to assess the background and motivations of those offering advice and use your judgment to determine if their input is aligned with what works best for you.
- Stay True to Your Own Values
One of the most empowering steps you can take during a divorce is to set goals and reconnect with your core values. What matters most to you? Is it the well-being of your children? Your financial stability? Your peace of mind? By setting goals early and creating your divorce mission statement you’ll be better able to filter out advice that doesn’t align with your vision for the future.
Remember that your divorce is not a race, and there is no one-size-fits-all solution. You don’t need to make rash decisions to please others. Your choices should reflect what is best for your future, even if that means taking a more measured approach than others might recommend.
- Trust Your Instincts
While the input from friends and family can be valuable, ultimately, your instincts are one of the best guides you have. Trust yourself to know what’s right for you and your future. It can be difficult to tune out the noise of others, especially when emotions are running high, but with time and self-reflection, you’ll develop a clearer sense of direction.
If you find that you’re overwhelmed by advice or struggling to make decisions, consider seeking professional support. A divorce coach can help you sort through the advice, focus on your personal goals, and create a roadmap that’s tailored to your unique needs. Therapy or counseling can also be helpful in navigating the emotional complexity of divorce, providing you with a safe space to explore your feelings and desires.
- Know When to Seek External Support
At times, the advice from friends and family might be so conflicting or confusing that it leaves you feeling more lost than supported. This is where external support can be incredibly valuable. Working with a professional, such as a divorce coach or mediator, can provide the guidance and clarity needed to make informed decisions without the emotional baggage that often accompanies advice from loved ones.
A neutral third party can help you explore the various options available to you and develop a clear plan for moving forward. This ensures that your choices are driven by your own desires and best interests, rather than by the pressure of what others think you should do.
At the end of the day, divorce is a deeply personal journey. You can both appreciate the loving advice or friends and family and recognize that the most important voice to listen to is your own. Take the time to reflect on what you need, set boundaries with well-meaning loved ones, and trust yourself to make decisions that honor your values and goals for the future. By staying true to yourself and seeking professional guidance when needed, you’ll navigate your divorce with strength, clarity, and confidence.