Does Back to School = Back to Stress? Try These Simple Steps to Make the Transition Smoother

When my kids were younger, I was always conflicted as the school year started. I was ready for the return to routine but also reluctant to embrace everything that comes with the start of a new year: social stresses, homework, and a whole new batch of schedules to manage. Add in two homes, adult work schedules, and coparenting challenges, and it’s easy to get overwhelmed – and it’s not even Labor Day!

Of course, all these challenges are exacerbated by coparenting conflicts. If you’re looking to create a more peaceful start to the school year for you and your kids, try the following strategies.

1. Set personal goals for your own choices this school year. Ideas include:

a. I will put the child(ren) first – even if that means not attending something or walking away when triggered.
b. I won’t react or create a scene at my kids’ events
c. I’ll create a mantra, or a “power statement” that I’ll use to help me keep perspective in difficult situations

2. Keep everything in writing. Use an app like Our Family Wizard or Talking Parents to communicate. Apps have the benefit of giving you time to review and process your thoughts before deciding how (or even if) to respond. If and when you do respond, use Bill Eddy’s BIFF method: Brief, Informative, Factual, Firm. Eliminate any editorial and focus only on sharing essential information: yes, no, time, place.

3. Be clear about what you will and won’t attend so there are no surprises for you or your kids. Are you both planning to go to back-to-school night, or a sports game? Let the other know in writing or via a shared calendar. If you don’t feel you can both be in the same place respectfully, ask if you can attend one activity and the other parent can attend another.

4. Keep the kids out of the middle! Do not use the kids to send messages, and don’t disparage the other parent in front of them, i.e. “If your mom/dad would show up for one of these events, they would know…” Remember that kids see themselves in both parents. Speaking poorly of your coparent can make your children feel bad about themselves! And we know they have enough to worry about as a new school year starts.

Finally, focus on yourself and not your coparent. You can never control what the other person says or does, so focus instead on showing up as the person you want to be. How do you want your kids to describe your choices? Give them all good things to work with.