The Power of Your People—How My Best Friend Helped Me Break Old Patterns After Divorce

When I got divorced after 20 years of marriage, it shook the foundation of how I saw myself. As I worked through the transition to being single (for the first time since I was 18!) and evaluated who I wanted to be, I realized I had developed communication habits and patterns that I didn’t like, and I wasn’t sure how to sort out what to “take with me” into the next phase and what I wanted to leave behind. Nothing felt clear and I certainly didn’t have confidence in my decisions.

Why Post-Divorce Patterns Are So Hard to Break

The reality is that even when you’re out of the relationship, you’re still living with many of the patterns you established. During my marriage, I learned to second-guess myself and doubt my intuition. I minimized my own needs to keep the peace. That doesn’t just go away when the papers are signed.

I knew I had a lot to unlearn. And I also knew I didn’t always see the problem, because those habits had become my normal. After twenty years I realized I wasn’t often questioning them. My responses had become muscle memory, and not the good kind.

Here are a few of the questions I asked myself that you might relate to:

• How do I reset and create a healthy foundation for the future?
• How do I objectively evaluate my choices?
• How do I trust my judgement again?
• How can I rebuild my confidence?

There are many ways to dig into the answers to these questions, and they all share one critical element: support from a trusted source. You don’t have to go through divorce alone!

Whether it’s a therapist, a divorce coach, or a trusted friend or family member who helps you, bring someone on board! Let go of the unrealistic expectation that you should be able to recognize the unhealthy patterns, change them, and grow into your next chapter alone.

I wish I’d had a divorce coach on my team – I didn’t know they existed – but I did have one of my oldest and dearest friends supporting me.

She reminded me that I would get through divorce, that I was strong and capable, and that I deserved a future I would love. I trusted her so I believed her, even when I didn’t see it for myself.

The Gift of Perspective (and Unconditional Love)

She didn’t sugarcoat things or tell me what to do. She just helped me remember that I could choose to do things differently in this “do-over” I was getting. Those patterns that were habits that could be broken if I chose to focus on creating new ones.

It wasn’t just comforting—it was clarifying. Her love, honesty, and support helped me start to trust myself again. And little by little, I began to rewrite those old scripts.

Finding Your Person

If you’re in the middle of a transition—divorce, a big life shift, or even just a season of self-reflection—take a moment to think about who that person is for you.

Who makes you feel safe, seen, and heard?
Who reflects back the best in you, especially when you forget it yourself?
Who reminds you of your power, your worth, your essential self?

That person might be a sibling, a lifelong friend, or someone you’ve just met but feel deeply connected to. Whoever they are, lean into that relationship.

What They Can Help You With

The people who love you unconditionally can help you:

• Break the cycle of second-guessing yourself
• Set new boundaries that honor who you are now
• Remember the parts of you that got buried in your relationship
• Share the emotional ups and downs of the process
• Refine your vision for what comes next

And maybe most importantly, they help you feel less alone in the process.

Rebuilding From a Place of Strength

Divorce is, of course, a disruption. But disruption can lead to realignment. It can give you the chance to ask hard questions:

• What do I want to carry forward?
• What do I want to leave behind?
• Who do I want to be in this next chapter?

And as you answer those questions, your trusted relationships can be a powerful compass. Not to direct your path, but to remind you that you’re capable of choosing it.

So if you’re trying to shake off old patterns or feeling stuck in self-doubt, is there someone in your life who sees you clearly, loves you fiercely, and tells you the truth with kindness?

Can you let them in?

Because the journey after divorce isn’t just about healing—it’s about remembering who you are and deciding who you want to become. And no one does that alone.

P.S. If this post made you think of someone in your life, maybe send them a quick message today. Tell them thank you, or that you love them. It might be just what they need to hear!