The “Messy Middle” of Divorce: What’s Really Happening When It Feels Like Nothing Is
Let’s talk about that middle part of divorce – the part no one warns you about. Hopefully you’re past the emotional gut-punch of the initial split. You may be trying to sort out where to live, what to do with the bank accounts, and adjusting to this new normal. But you’re not at the finish line. You’re just… in it.
This is the messy middle.
You may feel this time is frustratingly quiet, adding to the uncertainty you have about the future. But it’s likely that there are documents being drafted, proposals going back and forth, maybe even mediation dates being scheduled—but on your end? Radio silence. It’s natural to start wondering: Is anything even happening? Is this stalled? Did someone drop the ball?
I hear this all the time, and I get it. The waiting is frustrating. You want progress. You want closure. You want to feel like you’re moving forward, not just floating in some weird limbo while your life is on hold.
But here’s the truth: the messy middle is where the real work happens. Not just legally, but personally.
- The Legal Side Might Be Quieter, But It’s Still Moving
First, let’s clear something up: just because it feels slow doesn’t mean nothing is happening. Legal timelines can be painfully drawn out. There’s strategy, drafting, negotiation, scheduling, review, and sometimes waiting on the court’s calendar. It’s not always visible, but it’s moving.
If you’re feeling unsure, reach out to your attorney. Seriously. You don’t need to wait for them to check in. A quick call or email asking for a status update or a short meeting is completely reasonable. And don’t worry! You’re not being annoying or high maintenance. Most attorneys appreciate when clients stay involved; but don’t want to add to your bill for an update unless you ask. They’re trying to be cost-conscious, not evasive.
- Use This Time to Focus On You
This extra time is an opportunity for your own development. Because while the legal stuff simmers, you’ve got space to take care of yourself. That might sound obvious, but when you’re in the middle of divorce, “taking care of yourself” can feel like one more thing on the to-do list. Here’s a simple question to ask yourself:
What makes me feel grounded and strong right now?
Maybe it’s:
- Showing up for work and feeling competent and capable
- Being present with your kids in meaningful ways
- Getting fresh air, moving your body, eating something nourishing
- Spending time with people you enjoy who remind you of your strengths
You don’t have to be transforming right now. But the effort to tend to your energy, your goals, your identity will pay off. This is where the roots of your post-divorce life start to grow, even if it feels like nothing is happening above ground yet.
- Let Go of the Need for Constant Progress
This one’s hard, especially if you’re used to solving problems, ticking boxes, and powering through. Divorce doesn’t move in straight lines. There are stops and starts, moments of momentum followed by periods that feel like molasses. That’s normal, even if it’s maddening.
But this lull? It’s not failure. It’s not a setback. It’s just the middle.
So if today feels slow, or if you’re staring at your inbox wondering when someone is going to get back to you, take a breath. Then ask yourself:
- What’s one thing I can do today that helps me feel more like myself?
- What’s one way I can invest in my future, even in a small way?
That’s progress, too.
The messy middle may not be flashy, but it’s powerful. It’s where your resilience gets built. It’s where your focus shifts from surviving to healing. And it’s where you start to claim your voice again.
If you’re feeling stuck, unsure, or just need to talk through what’s next, you’re not alone—and you don’t have to wait until it’s “over” to get support. This is your life, and every step you take—yes, even the quiet ones—counts.
You’re doing the work.
Even when it doesn’t feel like it.