What is Gaslighting? Is it Happening to Me?
“My partner is gaslighting me.” It’s a common complaint I hear from clients – both men and women. But what does it really mean, and what can you do about it?
According to an article from the Newport Institute, gaslighting is “A form of psychological abuse or manipulation in which the abuser attempts to sow self-doubt and confusion in their victim’s mind. Typically, gaslighters are seeking to gain power and control over the other person by distorting reality and forcing them to question their own judgment and intuition.”
They note that gaslighting is a “form of abuse, most often perpetrated within romantic relationships.”
I often hear clients describe feeling this way when infidelity is an issue in their separation or divorce, although it takes place in many unhealthy or abusive relationships. I’ve had many clients describe how their spouse employs this technique to downplay their behavior: “You’re overreacting… it was one phone call or text,” or to minimize their actions: “What are you so upset about, it wasn’t a big deal.”
Other examples of gaslighting include:
- Spreading rumors or lies about you
- Blame shifting – telling you that it’s actually your fault they are behaving in a certain way. “If you acted differently, I wouldn’t have to…”
- Twisting a story to minimize their abusive behavior
If you’re used to this term being used lightly, think again. “Being consistently told that you are wrong, confused, or even “crazy” can have devastating effects on a victim’s life and mental health,” the article notes. “Along with questioning their own reality and beliefs, gaslighting victims often feel isolated and powerless.” The article also notes that “74% of female victims of domestic violence also experienced gaslighting from their partner or ex-partner,” according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
It’s not always easy to recognize if this is happening to you, as it may have built up gradually. But once you recognize that someone is gaslighting you, the article recommends taking the following steps.
- Remove yourself from the relationship if possible. If you must continue to interact with the gaslighter, tell others what’s happening so they can observe and support you. This validation will be very valuable as you work to redefine the relationship.
- Don’t blame yourself! You are not responsible for how someone else behaves. There’s nothing you could or should have done differently.
- Don’t try to argue with the person. It’s not a rational behavior and the person will rarely admit their true behavior or respond to logic.
- Practice trusting yourself again. It may take some time to start trusting your instincts and intuition again but be patient with yourself as you work to rebuild.
As I often say, be kind to yourself as move into a new, healthier phase of life. It may not happen overnight, but you deserve a loving, fulfilling future where you are valued and respected, and every step you take to get there, is worth the effort. 💝💪🏼