You’re right. Divorce isn’t fair.

It’s one of the things I hear most often when talking to clients about their situation. “It’s so unfair.”

Chances are, you’re right. There are so many good reasons you might feel this way.

First, it is a totally subjective situation! What feels fair and reasonable to you might feel totally one-sided to someone else. Without an agreed-upon definition of “fairness,” it makes perfect sense that you and your spouse see things differently.

Another issue is that a common narrative around divorce suggests that it’s a “split down the middle” process, but the reality is rarely so straightforward. Different aspects of divorce—emotional, financial, and certainly legal—are rarely experienced equally by both parties.

Emotional Inequities
For many, divorce brings feelings of guilt, sadness, confusion, and loss, while for others, it’s a path to freedom and renewal. Emotional imbalance can manifest if one partner wanted the divorce while the other wanted to stay together, making the process of “letting go” vastly more challenging for one side. This emotional unevenness is further complicated by family dynamics, with children often caught in the crossfire of disagreements or a lengthy process.

Many of my clients feel their emotional scars are ignored or invalidated by their former spouses, family, or even by the legal system. The court doesn’t consider who was hurt first or who feels emotionally devastated; it focuses on legal assets, custody schedules, and financial logistics. But for the person emotionally blindsided, this indifference only amplifies feelings of unfairness.

Financial Inequities
Divorce can also be financially unbalanced in ways that many don’t anticipate. Typically, one partner in a marriage will have taken on a larger share of unpaid work (such as childcare or household duties), which means they may have fewer financial resources after the split. For individuals who stepped back from careers to support a spouse or raise children, divorce can mean starting over financially, while their former partner may retain the bulk of the income-earning power. This discrepancy often creates a sense of unfairness and frustration, especially when one person feels financially destabilized while the other experiences less of an impact.

Additionally, legal fees, asset division, and even alimony can feel uneven or punitive. While the legal system aims for a “fair” division of assets, the outcome rarely feels fair to both parties. One might face losing their home, savings, or even custody of their children due to factors beyond their control, while the other might feel things are being “unfairly taken” from them.

Legal Inequities
Finally, while many aspects of divorce law are designed to protect vulnerable parties, the system is flawed and often cumbersome. Factors like child custody, property division, and spousal support laws vary widely by state, and in some cases, by county. This means that the fairness—or lack thereof—of the divorce process is heavily influenced by geography.
Custody battles often exacerbate these feelings of unfairness. Although family courts aim to prioritize the best interests of the child, judges and lawyers are humans, too, and bias and negative experiences can impact outcomes. If a parent feels they’ve lost time or influence in their child’s life because of a court’s decision, it can deepen the emotional wounds and sense of loss, making the legal process feel even more lopsided.

Coping with the Unfairness of Divorce
For those of you who find yourself feeling like the entire process is unfair, you’re not alone. Here are a few ways to help you cope and move forward:

1. Acknowledge and Validate Your Emotions
Recognizing that feelings of unfairness are valid and even expected in a divorce can provide some relief. You’re not overreacting, and your feelings aren’t exaggerated; they’re part of a normal response to a difficult life change. Be kind to yourself as you adjust. One of the best things you can do is set goals for your divorce and your future. How do you want to show up during this time? What values and strengths will you rely on? How can you be your best self as often as possible? What is most important to you during this time, and what are you looking forward to? Ready to dig into this exercise? Download my free workbook for a template! Having goals you’re working toward will help you keep perspective on focus on the specific priorities that you’ve set, rather than being distracted by the moving target of “fair.”

2. Find Financial Clarity
Financial inequities are common in divorce but addressing them head-on can help lessen the sense of unfairness. Working with a financial advisor can help you understand your financial landscape, start planning for a stable future and help you regain a sense of control. Being proactive may not remove all feelings of unfairness, but it can help you feel better prepared to face what lies ahead.

3. Engage Support
I suggest you engage at least one professional (lawyer, coach, mediator) and one friend or family member who you will rely on to help you navigate divorce. The right friends and family can be invaluable during this time, offering support and grounding. If you’re struggling with who and how to ask for support, check out this post, which is dedicated to how to find and utilize support to help you get through this time.

4. Focus on What You Can Control
Learning to let go of things you once controlled, such as shared financial assets, a home, or how your children spend their time when they’re with the other parent, is often one of the greatest challenges of the process. Accepting what you can’t control is almost always easier said than done but is a powerful tool for moving forward. Work to actively shift your focus onto things you can influence, like planning your next steps or achieving the goals you’ve set for the future. It’s normal to feel disappointed or even angry about what you’ve lost but try to put your energy into the future rather than lingering on the past for a fresh perspective.

Reframing Fairness
While divorce may not feel fair, redefining what fairness looks like in your new life can help restore a sense of justice and control. It may mean setting new, healthy boundaries, advocating for your needs in future relationships, or taking steps to achieve financial security on your own terms. By moving unapologetically towards a future you love, you can create a new definition of fairness that aligns with your values and goals.

The experience of divorce will likely remain one of life’s most challenging events. And while it may or may not be fair, it is possible to transition from it stronger and more confident, with a clearer vision of what truly matters to you. Remember that healing is not only possible, but within reach, and the life you create post-divorce can be rich, fulfilling, and uniquely yours.