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Divorce is A Shit Sandwich
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To My Moms on Mother’s Day
When my parents got divorced, I was four and my sister was two. Neither of us remember much from that time, but we do remember when our dad and stepmom got married two years later. She also had two kids, and though it would be many years until the four kids lived together full time, that marked the start of our journey as a blended family: a motley crew aged 4, 6, 6, and 8. My dad and stepmom joke now that if they had known what they were in for they would have called the whole thing off and run for the hills. I wouldn’t blame them if they meant it, but I know they don’t. Despite the hardships – and there have been a lot of them – I’m happy to say their marriage is still going strong 48 years later. My mom has also been remarried for more than 20 years.
During those early years our three parents gave us an amazing gift – one that we wouldn’t be able to understand or appreciate until many years later, but that benefitted us every day. In terms that I use today – they chose the high road. It was a different time and to my knowledge there wasn’t a lot of information about healthy coparenting out there, my mom had much more parenting time than my dad did, but still they made the decision to work together, and now that means all of us: parents, grown kids and grandkids continue to benefit today from the choices they made more than 45 years ago.
What did it look like?
One of the most significant things I remember was that my parents supported each other. Sometimes it was subtle (i.e. randomly complimenting a recipe or something small the other parent did) and other times they had obviously worked together to determine consequences for poor choices or jointly celebrate an accomplishment. As a kid, I was always looking for daylight between parents that I could take advantage of. They never gave us anything to work with.
They also talked to us about the other parents in a respectful and kind way. They would ask about them and it felt (and was) genuine. We never felt uncomfortable talking about our other home in either place.
I’m not oversimplifying, it was hardly easy, but they presented as a team, navigating together everything that comes with parenting and coparenting a large, blended family. They didn’t do it perfectly either – we weren’t The Brady Bunch. We were simultaneously a normal, totally unusual, supportive, competitive, dedicated-to-each-other, out for ourselves, petty, loving, confused, and committed family making our way. There were certainly times when we did better than others, and times that are painful to recall. But now, as a divorced parent and a stepmom myself, I can better appreciate the nuances and significant challenges all our parents faced as they raised us. And I owe them so much for taking a chance on doing divorce differently in those early days.
I realize now that each parent actively reinforced the relationship with the others. Whether they were intentional about it or not, it freed us up to worry about normal kid things, of which there were plenty, and not about protecting our parents.
Of course, as a kid I thought all of this was normal. I was in college before I realized how blessed I was to have a family that could be together for holidays and didn’t badmouth each other. I thought that was the best possible take-away from my experience, until I got divorced myself and ultimately became a stepparent. Now I’m so thankful to my mom and stepmom (and my dad, too, but this is a Mother’s Day post 😍) for sticking with their unique vision of a blended family, even though there weren’t many role models and I’m sure we challenged them at every opportunity.
Today I am so grateful and pleasantly surprised by the improbable and wonderful reality that is my life, including two amazing stepchildren (and their Dad!). And while I would never have known it, it turns out I was training for this role all along – and that I had the very best teachers imaginable.
Do you have a tough question? Ask away. I’ll find the right experts to weigh in and make sure you’re getting the input you need.
Q: I’m newly separated and struggling with how to celebrate Mother’s Day alone. Am I wrong to want to invite my ex to join us?
A: Holidays are consistently one of the hardest things about being newly separated or divorced – and I rarely say any feeling you have is “wrong.” It’s so understandable that you don’t want to have to start new traditions (or maybe it’s that you would rather not accept that this change is really happening?). Either way, if you feel like you would have a better day, feel free to invite your ex to join you.
But before you extend an invitation, consider these questions:
– What is your true intention for asking him to be there? If you’re comfortable with your answer, great. If not, how else could you make the day enjoyable?
– If he does join you, do you need to establish boundaries to keep things manageable (would you like to come by for an hour, or join us for dinner)?
Alternatively:
– Could you ask your kids if there’s something different or special they’d really like to do this year to change things up?
– Could you invite a friend or group of friends to celebrate together?
Whatever you decide, give yourself grace and space this year. You’re adjusting to this new reality and be kind to yourself as you figure out what feels appropriate. Next year you may feel completely different!
For help saying what you need, download my free script template.
Here I’ll share some of the books, websites, podcasts and experts to help make your journey a little less shitty!
In celebration of Mother’s Day here are a few fun videos.
Enjoy!
An Open Letter to Moms from Kid President
I am a corporate communications VP turned Certified Divorce Coach, and I created the Better Than Before Divorce™️ program for those early in the divorce process who want to reduce the impact of divorce on themselves and their children, minimize conflict and come out BETTER on the other side. Throughout my career I have worked to help executives, teams and individuals communicate succinctly, with clarity, intention, and impact, and I love using these skills to provide support and confidence to women and men tangled in the web of divorce.
My Better Than Before Divorce™️ clients benefit from my 25+ years of experience in crisis communications, branding and marketing, as well as my calm strength and commitment to tangible results. I am also a trained mediator, I’ve completed Colorado’s Collaborative Divorce Level I and II trainings, and I have a bachelor’s degree in psychology and an M.S. in Organizational Dynamics from the University of Pennsylvania.
I hope you found this information useful. Please share your feedback HERE anytime, and visit the rest my website, betterthanbeforedivorce.com, for more information on private coaching, or the Better Than Before Divorce™ online course.