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Divorce is A Shit Sandwich

(Because it is, right?!)

Trying to move forward during divorce? Start by examining the past.

I have always been an intuitive person. As a parent and a professional, I often rely on my gut reaction to a situation, and count on my ability to get a good sense of someone’s intentions, evaluate next steps, and determine right and wrong. There are countless times my intuition has served me well in both business and personal interactions. Trusting my judgement is a learning process that’s taken focus and effort, which is part of the reason I was so shaken to find myself rethinking every decision when it came to my divorce. Who was this hesitant and indecisive person who seemed to be taking over for me? Why couldn’t I move forward without second guessing every choice?

This unwelcome indecision was one of the most unsettling aspects of my divorce. I kept waiting for the version of me I trusted to show up and take over, but she was not to be found. As I later discovered, this shift is normal and even to be expected during a stressful life transition like divorce, but at the time it only made me feel more inadequate. Eventually, over many months (and a lot of therapy!) I gratefully realized that my intuition wasn’t gone, instead, it had just gone dormant. The process of reengaging my confidence was a valuable exercise, and one that I now do with clients who are also struggling with self-doubt.

Where should you start if you find yourself in this situation?

Read the full post here.

Do you have a tough question? Ask away. I’ll find the right experts to weigh in and make sure you’re getting the input you need.

Q: How do I deal with the friends we’ve made as a couple? I don’t want them to have to pick sides.

A: This is a great question that presents challenges for many people. Here are some things you can do to ease the transition.

  • If you and your spouse are comfortable, send a joint email letting your friends know what’s happening so they hear it directly from you both. Include that you don’t want them to have to choose sides and you appreciate their love and support.
  • This will make it easier for them to reach out to you, and you may even want to include that you would love to see them for lunch or coffee so everyone knows where to start.
  • If you can’t send a joint email, reach out to the people you most want to stay in touch with. Be clear about your hope for the relationship (support, or someone to go do things with). Try to avoid badmouthing your spouse in these discussions – it will likely make your friends uncomfortable or defensive, and will probably get back to your partner. If you need to vent, talk with someone less connected to you both.

Finally, you may have to give some friendships time to adjust to the new normal. While things may naturally shake out, it can be sad and stressful when these relationships change. 

If you’re feeling isolated, reach out to make plans! Don’t wait to be asked – often people just don’t know what you need but are happy to include you. 

Here I’ll share some of the books, websites, podcasts and experts to help make your journey a little less shitty!

This book by Brené Brown is one of my very favorites.

For those who don’t know her, Brené Brown, PhD., MSW, is an author, professor and researcher who studies shame, vulnerability and empathy. She has written six New York Times bestselling books, and is the host of two podcasts, Unlocking Us and Dare to Lead.

In this book, first published in 2010, she defines wholehearted living:

“Wholehearted living is engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It’s going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.” 

I discovered this book many years ago and it is still on my nightstand because she reminds me that we cultivate worthiness through practice. It doesn’t happen overnight, and it’s not a straight path. Brown offers practical steps, real examples, and constantly reminds me that the pursuit of wholehearted living might scare me, but is worth the effort.

As she says in the preface, “Owning our story and loving ourselves through the process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.” 

I promise, you will not regret one moment spent reading this book.

I am a corporate communications VP turned Certified Divorce Coach, and I created the Better Than Before Divorce™️  program for those early in the divorce process who want to reduce the impact of divorce on themselves and their children, minimize conflict and come out BETTER on the other side. Throughout my career I have worked to help executives, teams and individuals communicate succinctly, with clarity, intention, and impact, and I love using these skills to provide support and confidence to women and men tangled in the web of divorce.

My Better Than Before Divorce™️ clients benefit from my 25+ years of experience in crisis communications, branding and marketing, as well as my calm strength and commitment to tangible results. I am also a trained mediator, I’ve completed Colorado’s Collaborative Divorce Level I and II trainings, and I have a bachelor’s degree in psychology and an M.S. in Organizational Dynamics from the University of Pennsylvania.

I hope you found this information useful. Please share your feedback HERE anytime, and visit the rest my website, betterthanbeforedivorce.com, for more information on private coaching, or the Better Than Before Divorceonline course.